


Arachnophobia

by I_Fear_I_Fell



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders Needs a Hug, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders is a Good Friend, Anxiety | Virgil Sanders-centric, Arachnophobia, Arachnophobic Author, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Former Dark Side Anxiety | Virgil Sanders, Hurt/Comfort, Morality | Patton Sanders Angst, Morality | Patton Sanders Needs a Hug, Morality | Patton Sanders-centric, Panic Attacks, Phobias, Spider Anxiety | Virgil Sanders
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-04-03
Updated: 2020-04-18
Packaged: 2021-02-28 22:07:56
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings, No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 7,675
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/23454547
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/I_Fear_I_Fell/pseuds/I_Fear_I_Fell
Summary: Patton has arachnophobia. He doesn't understand why; he's not the side that's supposed to be anxious. Does this mean there's something wrong with him?Virgil is also hiding a secret, one that could change his and Patton's relationship forever. He'll do anything to keep that from happening.They try their best to hide their secrets from the others, both certain that they would jeopardize their friendships and positions as Light sides. However, you can only run so far before your problems catch up to you.
Comments: 26
Kudos: 251





	1. Chapter 1

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'll preface this with a huge trigger warning for arachnophobia throughout! I also have it, so this will be hopefully very true-to-life and cathartic to read if you have a phobia, but also it could be very easily set you off so please read carefully. Also, trigger warning for panic attacks in this chapter.
> 
> That said, enjoy! I hope you like it!

CHAPTER ONE 

Patton lay awake, staring up at his ceiling through the dark. Logan wouldn’t be very happy with how late he was staying up, but he just couldn’t seem to make himself relax. 

The situation was… hard to understand. Or maybe it wasn’t, just the _cause_ of the situation was hard to understand. Let’s start with something simple: Patton wasn’t joking when he said he was afraid of the spider-patterned curtains a couple of months ago. That was part of what made him realize it; Logan had pointed out how illogical it was to be afraid of curtains, and he’d known that, but he’d still been afraid. 

He hadn’t wanted to admit it to anyone else, only recently started coming to terms with it himself but he… was arachnophobic. He had a phobia of spiders.

He was fine with telling the other sides about his fear of spiders, and had even mentioned it a few times, as long as they never knew how severe it really was. He joked and downplayed it instead, toeing the line of asking for help but not making it seem like he really needed it. 

He was still working on being open about his emotions with the others, but this one thing… it was just too difficult to tell. He knew it was a stupid fear. He knew it was completely irrational. It wasn’t like he wanted to be so afraid! But he just didn’t know how the other sides would react. 

What if Roman saw him as weak, and his fear silly? Logan would probably think he was being ridiculous. He might not really understand why Patton was scared, and just look down upon him. And Virgil loved spiders, that much was obvious just from his room! And he didn’t want any of them treating him like he was fragile. He wasn’t. He wasn’t, okay? Even if he tried to come off as goofy and approachable, silly wasn’t all he was. He wanted to be respected as their equal, too. 

Though he almost wished silly was all he was right now. Anything else than lying sleepless because of his stupid phobia. He could’ve _sworn_ he saw a small, dark shape crawl behind his dresser when he walked in the room, but when he checked he hadn’t seen anything. 

Patton felt jumpy, a current of anxiety still running through him and making it impossible to calm down. Every time he closed his eyes, his mind pictured the dark, crawling shapes of spiders, skittering across his ceiling and under his sheets. He tried to keep his eyes open to avoid those thoughts, staring up into the dark, but he was so tired they kept slipping closed. Every time they did, he would just see the images of spiders again. 

Finally, he wrenched himself out of bed, flicking on the light. His anxiety soared as he switched it on, half-expecting them to be all over his room, but as the room was illuminated he saw there was nothing there. _Obviously,_ he thought. Nevertheless, he inspected his ceiling, then ripped all the covers off his bed. He shook them out one by one, checking under and around them. Nothing there either. 

Even though there was nothing to be afraid of, his head and arms still itched from phantom limbs. Scratching the spots absentmindedly, he climbed back into bed and shut the lights back off, trying to sleep. 

Then he saw it. 

It was there, on the wall above his bed, hanging above his pillow. He scrambled back, not sure if he cried out or not in his terror. He flattened his back against his door, eyes flitting around to check that there were no more spiders he could see. Irrationally, he felt like they were going to swarm out of the crevices in his room any second, and he shuddered in fear. 

Its small, dark body taunted him as it descended down towards his bed. He felt nauseous and his head swam, anxiety forming a rising ball tightly coiled him his chest and expanding outwards, threatening to explode. 

His body was running hot and cold and he didn’t know what to do. He squeezed his eyes shut for a moment, hands fisted in his hair. His head jerked sharply to the side as a muscle jumped in his neck. When he opened his eyes, he didn’t see the spider anymore. 

Far from comforting him, his anxiety rocketed up and he whirled around again, scouring his surroundings. It could be anywhere now. The door frame above and the door his back was resting on were clear, as well as the surrounding walls. He didn’t see it on the floor anywhere, and it wouldn’t have gotten far. 

So it was probably still… in his bed. Hidden inside the covers, or under the pillow, or in the mattress… 

His heart pounded and he slid down the inside of his door. He couldn’t seem to catch his breath and his hands were shaking with adrenaline. He was dizzy and his limbs felt detached and sort of numb, buzzing almost like with pins and needles. His breath hitched in his throat and he realized there were tears dripping down his face and off his nose and chin. 

4-7-8. Breath in through the nose, hold, let the breath out through your mouth like a straw. Rinse and repeat. He tangled his hands in his hair, pulling slightly, trying to focus on the grounding sensation of air in his lungs and his hands tugging his head instead of the images of spiders crawling on his he couldn’t seem to get rid of. He had to scratch at his head, arms, legs, assuring himself that there was nothing there. 

Still, he kept his eyes firmly fixed on his bed. He wouldn’t let it out of his sight, wouldn’t let it get the drop on him or he was going to die or worse. 

He stood for a few minutes just staring at it, not sure what to do. His breathing eased slightly and although he wasn’t really less afraid and he didn’t have any solutions, he could think more clearly. 

It was his room. It wasn’t like he could just let the spider take it from him, where would he go? But… he just couldn’t. He rose, bracing himself on the door (after checking again there were no bugs behind or on him), and tried to take a step towards the bed. His body spasmed more than shuddered in fear, and he froze. 

_Come on, Patton, step towards the bed,_ he urged himself. _There’s nothing to be afraid of._ It sounded unconvincing even in his mind. His muscles locked up as he tried to make himself walk. He just couldn’t make himself move any closer. 

He admitted defeat. He wasn’t sleeping in his room tonight. He would come back to this situation later. 

Keeping his eyes on the bed as much as possible, he backed up to the door, then whirled around and ran through it as fast as he could. 

At this point, he was thoroughly worn out, so he just grabbed a couple pillows and blankets from the closet where they stored the spares and nestled up in the living room. He had to check around the room and couch three times before he was willing to lay down. He didn’t remember falling asleep. 

… 

“Padre? Why are you sleeping in the living room?” Roman asked, baffled. He was holding a steaming cup of tea in one hand, donned in a fluffy bathrobe and matching red slippers. He strode across the room to stand next to Patton, who hurriedly sat up, pushing the blankets off his shoulders in a move too rushed to be completely casual. 

“Oh, silly me! I was just watching a movie down here and I must have fallen asleep,” Patton laughed the question off. Roman eyes the piled pillows and comforters around him skeptically. 

“Then why all the blankets? I mean, you set up a whole bed out here, pretty much.”

“Just trying to be comfy,” Patton responded nervously. Roman shrugged and relented, seeming to understand Patton didn’t want him to push the issue. 

“Well, just let me know next time. I wouldn’t want you to have another movie night all alone. There’s a few Disney films I’m absolutely dying to rewatch.”

Patton smiled. “Of course! Wouldn’t want a movie marathon without my favorite Prince!” 

“You know it. Now, who’s making breakfast today?” Roman called out into the surrounding rooms, exiting to head for the kitchen. 

Patton sighed, slouching back into his comfortable blankets. He didn’t really want to get up, but he should so that he could fold all these comforters and put them away. He wasn’t technically doing anything wrong, but he wanted to hide everything away to avoid scrutiny and questions. He wouldn’t want to worry anyone or make them suspect anything. 

… 

Patton was acting weird. 

Virgil eyed him dubiously over the table. Patton hadn’t mentioned anything being wrong, but he knew how to recognize the signs. He was the embodiment Anxiety, okay?. He often saw those signs in the mirror. Plus, Patton had never been the type to reach out for help. He and Patton were more similar than he expected in that way.

Patton’s fingers were gripping his spoon weakly, his eyes tired and red-rimmed. He looked like he’d cried or hadn’t slept or both, and he wasn’t wearing his usual smile. Even if he was sad, he usually had the energy to at least fake happiness. As soon as he noticed Virgil looking at him, he straightened up and brightened, though, smoothing out his expression. Virgil didn’t want to freak him out, so he smiled a little back. He would talk to him privately later, where it wouldn’t feel like an interrogation.

Patton hadn’t cooked anything today and no one else had volunteered, so they were just eating cereal so far. Roman hadn’t arrived at the table yet, getting dressed in his room, and Patton and Logan weren’t talking, so the three of them were just eating in silence. 

Virgil didn’t think Logan had noticed anything off, though. He was deep in a book about the psychology of phobias or something and the only movement from him was the intermittent flipping of pages. Virgil chewed on the inside of his cheek consideringly.

Roman appeared at the end of the kitchen, making a beeline for the table. 

“How’s it popping, Patton? You don’t seem quite your usual energetic self,” Roman commented bluntly, plopping himself down at the table. He roughly shook his Lucky Charms into his bowl, smacking the side of the box a few times so it would come out more. Patton looked like a deer in the headlights. It would have been funny if Virgil weren’t so concerned. 

Virgil wanted to groan and facepalm at Roman’s straightforward question. The day Roman learned tact was the day Virgil learned to fly. 

“I-- I look tired?” Patton stammered, tripping over his words. He almost dropped his spoon in surprise, but Virgil watched him barely hold on to it last minute. “I, well… I didn’t sleep that well, is all! I stayed up too late watching movies!” 

“That was kind of a weird reaction to that question,” Roman said, quirking an eyebrow. “I was just asking. Is something up?” 

“Haha, no, of course not! I was just surprised, I didn’t realize I looked so tired!” Patton assured hastily. “Wouldn’t want you to worry about your dear old dad for nothing!” 

“Well, if that’s all it is, then it’s fine.” 

“Though you should endeavor to maintain a regular and sufficient sleeping schedule in the future, Patton. We have gone over this in the past. Rest is an essential aspect to how we function in everyday life,” Logan commented, not looking up from his book. 

“O-of course,” Patton replied. “Wouldn’t want poor Thomas feeling tired because of me!” He stirred his cereal a couple of times without eating it, and then abruptly stood. “Speaking of that, I probably should go take a nap or something.” 

Virgil frowned. Patton looked way too wired to sleep. Logan had finally looked up from his book and was looking at Patton in confusion.

“Let me know if there’s anything I can do for you, Patton,” Virgil said earnestly, catching his eye. 

“Of course! I’ll definitely take you up on that if there’s ever anything I need!” he smiled wanly, then shuffled awkwardly out of the room. 

The three remaining sides all shot each other questioning looks. 

“That was weird, right? I can’t be the only one thinking that was weird,” Virgil said, eyebrows furrowed. 

“Patton could never be weird! But yes, he was acting very strange,” Roman replied. Virgil shot Roman an exasperated glare and threw his hands up like really?

“That’s literally exactly what I was saying.” 

“Let’s bippity boppity bring it back to the subject at hand, shall we?” said Roman, brushing past Virgil’s comment. “Patton. What is up with that dear, dear man.” 

“If by that you mean you are wondering if there is any sort of difficulty he is currently experiencing, I am not sure. He said he was simply tired after staying up too late, but emotions are… not exactly my area of expertise,” Logan said, clearly a little uncomfortable with admitting a shortcoming. “If you feel it would improve his emotional well-being, then you can certainly check up on him.” 

“Of course I will!” Roman said, offended. “I would kill for that man!” 

“I am certain that won’t be necessary.” 

Virgil drummed his fingers on the table, deliberating. He would let Roman talk to Patton for now. But if it wasn’t all cleared up (which it probably wouldn’t be) by tomorrow, Virgil would talk to him then. He didn’t want to overwhelm Patton by making him field too many well-meaning questions about how he was doing at one time.

But if he sensed anything too wrong… well. He wouldn’t let it get that far. 

…

That night, Virgil passed the living room on his way to get a glass of water and paused as he heard soft noise. Slinking closer and peering into the room, he saw Roman and Patton bundled on the couch, _Mulan_ playing at a low volume of the TV. The soft glow of the screen cast a gentle light across their features, and from where he stood he thought he would see Patton smiling. 

“Thanks for having a movie night with me, Patton!” He heard Roman say. 

“Oh, it’s my pleasure, kiddo!” Patton began. Virgil took that as his queue to start backing away, only catching, “I’m always down to have a…” 

_Well, they’re probably fine,_ Virgil thought. He would have to wait and see, but Patton seemed happy for now. He backed down the hallway, silently turning to walk towards his room. 

They didn’t always agree, but you could rely on Roman for some things. He had more depth than he seemed to, and he was learning that more and more every day. 

His mind was elsewhere as he walked, almost bumping into walls a couple of times but catching himself before he seriously injured his face. He had a lot to think about. 

Other than the newly-emerging Patton situation, he had been worrying about a couple of other things recently. He was especially thinking about his relationships with the others. 

He was nervous about his position in the Main Sides. They had made that whole two-part video “Accepting Anxiety” about how they wanted to understand him more, but that didn’t mean that it fixed everything between them. Far from it. It just meant they were more willing to get to know him and learn to cooperate. 

But there were… certain things they didn’t know yet that could change all of that. 

Virgil stepped into his room, silently turning to lock the door behind him. 

Carefully, he cracked his back, slowly leaning from side to side to stretch the aching muscles there. He tried to knead at his shoulder to relieve the stiffness but it just made it sort of hurt more so he gave up. 

Namely, he had one big problem, and that was _what,_ exactly, he was. Even with all of their attempts to include him, especially Patton, the facts of the situation were inescapable. He wasn’t the same as they were. He was a monster, a Dark Side, at his core. 

With a sigh, Virgil peeled his hoodie off and let eight long, spindly legs unfurl from his back. They stretched out even longer than his wingspan, the lowest ones nearly brushing the floor. 

Deceit had the traits of a snake. Remus had tentacles. 

He was a spider.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Here's the first chapter of this fic! I've been working on it for quite a bit, bouncing between this one and the others I have right now. I've had to take quite a few breaks writing it because it sets off my arachnophobia sometimes, haha. I think writing this is cathartic, but it can get a little much once in a while! That said, I have almost all of the rest of the story lined up, so I'll try and get that out without a crazy amount of delay. 
> 
> Also, if my description of Virgil's spider-like qualities is inaccurate, feel free to let me know. I want to be realistic, but I honestly can't look up information about spiders on the internet because of my phobia. If you want to give any information you know off the top of your head or otherwise in the comments about spider anatomy, feel free! 
> 
> Thanks so much for reading, I hope you enjoyed it! If you would drop a comment down below I would really appreciate hearing anything you have to say! I hope you have a great day!


	2. Chapter 2

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> trigger warnings are in the tags! more specific ones can be found at the end note.

Patton seemed a little better the next day. He even made everyone waffles for breakfast, cheerfully exclaiming that “simple cereal isn’t enough to keep you strong and healthy!” Logan has retorted that waffles weren’t much of a health food either, but Patton had waved him off with a smile. Virgil caught a pleased little grin on Roman’s face, and he figured “Operation: Cheer Patton Up” was a success. 

It didn’t last forever, though. Patton was acting like nothing was wrong, but still it seemed like he was hiding something. He had suddenly decided the common area needed to be thoroughly cleaned, taking his sweet time rearranging and cleaning the shared living room and kitchen. Virgil wasn’t sure if he was trying to avoid thinking about something or just avoiding the other sides themselves. 

Patton was so busy with that, it was easy for Virgil, Logan and Roman to leave without him noticing. They met in Logan’s room. Roman had briefly argued for the Imagination, but Logan had reasoned that practicality would be of the most use at the moment and Princey really couldn’t disagree with that. 

“He has been uncharacteristically distracted and distant the past few days. It has been somewhat of an oddity, but the concern didn’t appear especially dire until now. I believe it now seems clear that there is some sort of issue leading to Patton’s abnormally anxious demeanor.”

At Logan’s last sentence, Roman gave Virgil a glance that failed to be discreet. Virgil bristed. 

“What, you think I would do something?” He snarled, lip curling in anger.

“I- I- no!” Roman spluttered, embarrassed to be caught. “Definitely not! I just thought anxiety was your _thing,_ so to speak, so you might have a better idea than we do.” 

Virgil’s eyes narrowed suspiciously, but he didn’t call Roman out on it.

“Unfortunately, that’s not how it works,” he grumbled, twisting the strings of his hoodie in his hands. “Yeah, sometimes I can sort of… sense people’s anxiety, especially Thomas’, but that doesn’t actually tell me what the problem is. Also, I can’t really control it, it just happens sometimes.” 

“Ughh, if you’re gonna have special anxiety powers, can’t they at least be useful in this situation?” Roman groaned dramatically, putting his head in his hands. Virgil’s mind stuck on one part of that sentence. 

“‘Special powers?’ What do you mean?” 

“Well, none of the rest of us can sense feelings or anything like that, you know,” Roman explained, looking a little put out. “I think at most Patton feels what Thomas is feeling because he _is_ his emotions and Morality. But he can’t sense it from other sides.” 

“You… can’t?” Virgil asked, momentarily lost for words. He’d always assumed the other sides had special traits like he did. “Then why…” 

His breath caught in his throat as he realized the reason. _He wasn’t human._ He clasped his hands tightly together, fingernails digging into his palms. He’d almost forgotten, started feeling like he belonged. But he could never really escape the difference between them: it was biological. 

He realized Logan had been talking, his voice adopting the teacher-like quality it had when he was explaining something. 

“...It is possible that your function as a protective ‘fight or flight’ mechanism for Thomas has given you this additional trait,” Logan was saying. “Your job is to protect and watch for threats and emotional distress, even in the Mindscape.” 

Roman looked dubious. Virgil silently agreed. I mean, what good had he done for anyone else’s emotional state in the Mindscape? Patton did more of the heavy lifting on that one. Virgil was honestly more likely to give the other sides anxiety than be able to help them when they were upset. 

“Aren’t we supposed to be here for Patton?” Roman interjected dryly, leaning against one of Logan’s bookshelves. 

“Quite right,” Logan responded, straightening. “Virgil? What do you think about all of this?”

Virgil paused in surprise from where he was sitting on top of the couch. 

“Huh? What do you mean?” Logan was the smart one, wasn’t he supposed to give the answers? 

“Well, you _are_ Patton’s self-proclaimed best friend. You two are close, and he’s stated his affection for you on a multitude of occasions. I assumed you out of all people would know best how to approach this issue.” 

“Oh… well, I mean. I think I’m better at causing anxiety than curing it, honestly,” Virgil chewed on his thumbnail in consideration. 

Logan was right, though. Patton called him his best friend, shouldn’t he be better at helping him when things were wrong? If he were a good enough best friend he would already know what was wrong. 

Logan looked exasperated, pushing his glasses back with a sigh. “Virgil, I assure you that whatever thoughts you are currently thinking are most likely inaccurate. You have a higher level of emotional intelligence than you believe, possibly more than the both of us. You just need to-- well. Conversation for another time. Can you just try and think of how you would approach this situation? The suggestion does not need to be perfect.” 

Virgil deliberated, leaning back a little before speaking. 

“Well… Patton doesn’t like to feel like he’s a burden to other people. He’s also not huge on confrontation, and he likes to play things off if he feels like he could worry us. If we come on too strong and scare him off, he might convince himself that he can’t go back to reach out. At that point you might need to force an intervention though that has a lower chance of working well… it needs to be heartfelt, but still casual enough that he doesn’t freak out,” Virgil decided. “So. Maybe one person approaches him and genuinely explains that they’re concerned? And doesn’t give him room to play it off? Like obviously not pushing him too far, but he needs to know that the easiest solution is opening up to others,” Virgil rambled, feeling a little like a hypocrite. He wasn’t really sure he could claim to be an authority on the benefits of opening up to others but it sounded right. 

Roman was looking at him in surprise, one eyebrow raised. Logan didn’t look surprised at all. He gave a little nod. 

“That sounds like an agreeable plan of action. He should be spoken to today regarding the issue to clarify that we have been concerned and are there to assist Patton should he need it.”

Roman leaned a little off of the bookshelf he was slouching on, a strange quirk in his expression. “Sounds fine to me, specs. Guess you guys didn’t really need me here after all.” 

“But who’s gonna talk to Patton?” Virgil asked uncertainty, anxiety blooming in his chest.   
Roman and Logan gave him equally blank looks. 

“You, of course,” they said in unison, before pausing to give each other a grimace. 

Virgil grimaced himself. “Me?” 

“Uhh, didn’t we just have a whole convo about how you’re Patton’s best friend? Of course it’s gonna be you. Just don’t screw it up. Geez, and I thought you two were supposed to be all smart,” Roman said in exasperation, moving to usher Virgil and Logan out of the room. “Now let’s get out of here before Patton starts wondering where the peanut gallery went.” 

“Wha-?” 

“Out! Let’s go! Let’s do the walky-walk now and save the talky-talk for later!”

So here he was. 

Virgil was hanging out in the common room, laying upside down on the back of the couch and observing Patton. He had started making cookies a couple hours ago, and had just ran out of dough after making 5 batches. Virgil was trying to determine the best time to interrupt his focus to talk. So far he had tried and then psyched himself out of it about thirty times. 

Virgil was watching him pull out baking materials again, looking like he was setting up to make even more when he interjected. 

“Woah, is an army gonna be visiting soon, or is all this just for us?” Virgil asked, looking up at him from where he was hanging. Patton startled slightly and whipped around to look at him, mouth slightly open. 

“Oh! Virgil, buddy, I didn’t see you there!” 

“Yeah, I could tell. Anyway. Is there some kind of special occasion? Why all the desserts?” he asked faux-casually, leaning up from his flipped position. 

“No, no reason. It’s not even that many, I don’t know why you’re so surprised.” 

Virgil gave the kitchen a dry look. There were cooking supplies all over and at least 40 cookies piled on the cooling rack. They didn’t all fit so some were piled on top of each other or off of it completely, scattered haphazardly across the counter. 

“Sure. Patton, is there something wrong?” Virgil asked plainly. Subtlety clearly wasn’t working and he figured being direct would give him the most answers. Logan and Roman were counting on him to get through to Patton. He couldn’t screw this up. He needed to _help._

Patton froze with his hand on the bag of flour. “There’s nothing wrong.” 

“Patton, come on. You don’t have to talk about it if you don’t want to but I know you’ve been upset. You can trust me, I promise,” Virgil said desperately, trying to salvage the conversation. Where did all the words he’d been practicing earlier go? “I just want you to know you can always come to me if something is wrong or you’re upset. I mean, you’ve always done the same for me in the past, I just thought… you could come to me if something was bothering you.” 

“Why would something be bothering me?” Patton said evasively, worried eyes peering out at Virgil. 

“I don’t know!” Virgil exclaimed in frustration, struggling to reign in his upset. “Why _would_ anything be wrong? Please tell me, Patton. You’ve just been acting really strange and upset and I want to help you but I don’t know how! Please, just tell me, but otherwise I don’t know what to do. We can help you. We _want_ to be there for you.” 

Patton’s face was frozen and unreadable, stock still as he faced Virgil across the kitchen. His face fell into uncertainty before he snapped back into action, shoving supplies back into cabinets. 

“There’s nothing you can do, because nothing is wrong,” he said, not meeting Virgil’s eyes. “I’m not sure what you’ve been thinking you’re seeing but I’m not upset. That’s silly. Nothing happened.” 

Virgil could feel his face fall and mouth twist in frustration. He was so stupid, he had pushed Patton way too far when he didn’t want to talk and now he was shutting him out. He’d never known Patton to be so blatantly defensive unless he was really upset, and it frustrated him to not know how to help. He was pretty sure he had just made it worse. 

“I… okay. Patton, I’m sorry for pushing, I didn’t want to—“ 

“It’s fine,” Patton interrupted, shoving the last bag into a cupboard. “Don’t worry about it. You didn’t do anything wrong.” He straightened up, and then turned on his heel and walked off in the direction of his room. 

Virgil sighed heavily and pressed the heels of his hands into his eyes. “ _Idiot,_ ” he hissed to himself. Fuck, why had Roman and Logan trusted him with anything? He couldn’t live up to their expectations and he couldn’t help his best friend. Some protector he was. 

Then he turned and retreated back towards his room just like Patton had done. He should really talk to Logan. 

… 

_Why did I_ do _that?_ Patton cursed himself internally. _I’m such an_ idiot. 

Patton knew he was in trouble. It would be the third night since he found the spider in his room, and he had no excuses to stay out of it anymore. 

He had wanted to talk to Virgil, he really did. They were _best friends_. He wanted to show Virgil that their trust could be mutual. He wanted to show him he could put his faith in Virgil, too. He wanted to be honest. 

Virgil knew him too well and could tell when he was feeling off. His hiding hadn’t done much of anything, anyway, it should have been easier just to come clean. It’s what he should have done. 

But when he thought about talking about his phobia… his throat closed up and his hands felt shaky. He just couldn’t seem to get the first words out of his mouth. So he just ran away and made everyone worry even more for it because he couldn’t even hide his emotions right. 

He couldn’t let this situation go on any longer. He had to fix the problem. And that meant going back in through that door. 

He stood, fists clenched, in front of his closed entrance to his room. He had to go back in there, he knew, but even after days he still wasn’t ready. His stomach was turning just at the idea of walking in and he felt feverish and sick. But what was he supposed to do? Never go back in again? That obviously wasn’t an option. And he couldn’t just let this situation go on as it was. He wouldn’t lose Virgil’s friendship over his cowardice. He would fix his problem, and then he wouldn’t be hiding anything from Virgil anymore. 

Still, he couldn’t bring himself to move. His hand trembled a little around the cup he had clenched in it. Theoretically, he would catch the spider. The idea of squishing it and having its remains in his rooms was far more repulsing than the idea of putting it somewhere far, far away, but he knew logically that he would never actually have the resolve to trap it. So he didn’t really know what to do. Should he try and squish it anyway? Chuck the glass across the room and hope for the best?

_Maybe I should have brought a bag to vomit in instead,_ he thought a little hysterically. 

“Patton? What are you doing?” he heard Roman ask curiously, though something about the question seemed oddly pointed. Patton jerked a little, swerving his head around to see Roman heading down the hall towards him, eyebrow quirked curiously. “There something interesting about your door?”

“O- Oh, not really!” Patton stammered. “Though your concern is certainly a- _door_ -able! I was just… thinking!” 

“Thinking.” 

“Uh, yeah. I’m not Logic, but I still ponder the odd question from time to time!” he smiled tightly. 

“And what has got you thinking so hard you’re standing in the hallway to do it?” Roman glanced down and looked more confused. “Also while holding an empty glass?”

Patton cracked. He actually really would like Roman’s help, and maybe he could just… get him to resolve his problem?

“Well, there’s actually a spider in my room right now, and, well, you know how I don’t really, uh, get on with them too well, but I was thinking about how I could safely get him outside-” 

“That sounds like a quest for the brave and dashing Prince Roman!” Roman crowed, posing for a second with his arms in his characteristic motion. “I can easily dispatch the beast!” 

“Oh, well, if you would!” Patton all but threw the cup at Roman, stepping back from his door to let Roman by. Roman threw it open without hesitation, and Patton took another nervous step backwards. 

“So where is this foul creature?” Roman asked, not turning around. Then he paused and glanced back, confusion writ on his features. “Are you not coming in?”

Patton paused in indecision. He didn’t want to go in, but would that seem strange? Sure, the other sides knew he didn’t really like spiders, but not even willing to be in the same room as one was showing a whole other level of fear. Roman would have to walk out into the hall anyway, so no matter where he stood he was going to have to face it at some point, right? 

Roman was looking at him a little strangely, the silence stretching out between them.   
“Uh, you don’t have to come in if you don’t want to-” he started. 

“No, it’s fine!” Patton forced a smile and walked as fearlessly as he could into the room. His hands were clenched into tight fists by his sides, and he could feel his body tensing and shoulders raising protectively around him even as he tried to relax. Roman had turned back around and was scouring his room for the arachnid, checking around furniture and boxes. 

Patton was the first one to see it. 

Against his will, Patton let out a strangled scream, whirling around to face the door. He stumbled back as far as he could, the back of his legs hitting his bed pushed up against the wall on the opposite side of the room. Fear rising in his throat made it hard to speak, but somehow he choked out, “The door-!” 

Roman had turned around at Patton’s shriek, attention now fixed firmly on the monster above them. Patton was glad Roman was looking at it and not him, he didn’t want to be scrutinized, he just wanted this to be over as soon as possible. 

It hung above the doorway, blocking the exit; as Patton watched it, it moved, legs scuttling. He felt a shudder wrack his whole body in disgust and he felt like he was going to be sick, clasping a hand tightly over his mouth. His whole body curled in on itself protectively, and his other hand went to rub and scratch over the skin on his arms, compulsively checking that there was nothing on him. 

He was trying to tell himself that everything was going to be fine, the spider wasn’t actually a threat, but his brain just wouldn’t listen to rational thinking. Frustration and terror warred inside him because he knew he was being ridiculous, his fear was stupid, but it was just overriding everything and he couldn’t think properly.

Roman decisively stepped up to it and Patton wanted to cry out to him to get back, but he just watched as Roman trapped it under the cup, holding it firmly against the doorframe. Instead of helping, it just made Patton want to throw up more as he watched it twitch and crawl around inside the glass. He wanted it _away away awayawayaway-!_ His head jerked roughly to the side in a nervous tic, and he rubbed and scratched at his neck trying to control himself. Why wasn’t Roman taking it away- 

“Patton, could you grab a piece of paper or something? I know you don’t like spiders, but I don’t have one and I need it to take it out,” Roman said without turning, hand still firmly on the glass trapping the spider. 

He was right, Patton realized with a jolt of terror. There were no papers or books close enough to Roman for him to grab. Roman couldn’t take it out of the room unless he grabbed him a surface to take it out on. He wanted to, he wanted to so badly but--

“I can’t, I can’t, I’m sorry, I can’t,” Patton could barely hear the words coming out of his mouth at this point, fear overriding anything left of his reason. He tried to move, to look around the room for something to use, but he couldn’t move his eyes for more than a second out of fear from the spider and he couldn’t make himself budge. Every time he tried to force himself to stand, he just couldn’t unfreeze himself from his spot, muscles locking him firmly into place, hand clasped protectively over his ears. Its bulbous body twitched under the glass and Patton shuddered, nausea rising, breaths coming faster. 

“Patton?” Roman asked, concerned, turning his head from the thing crawling around in the glass. “Are you quite alright?” 

He was trapped, he was going to die here with that _thing_ and he would never get to leave, he couldn’t even run because it was in the doorway and he couldn’t escape any other way, he couldn’t call someone else to help Roman because that would mean exiting the door too, they would just be stuck here forever, if only he could just _move,_ but he couldn’t and he felt like he was about to vomit or pass out or die, and he just couldn’t-- he couldn’t _he couldn’thecouldn’t-_

His hands had raised to cover his ears as he ducked his head down, curling even more into himself, and he realized he was babbling, saying, “I’m sorry, I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry, I’m sorry I’m sorry imsorryimsorryim-!” over and over again. His mouth was moving without his volition, rising in volume as his panic heightened. 

Roman was frozen at the door like a deer in the headlights, his eyes as wide and round as saucers. Patton shrunk under his gaze, wishing desperately he could just disappear. He didn’t _want_ Roman to see him like this, so he was trying to calm down to seem less crazy, but that just made him feel worse and more out of control, and he was feeling more trapped by the second and-- 

His breaths were wheezing out of his chest, deafening like the race of his pulse and the harsh drum of his heart on the inside of his ribs, that same heart that was about to explode because he was _dying,_ he had to be, this is what death felt like and there was no escape. 

His shaking hands felt numb and disconnected from the rest of his body and his vision blurred; he lurched to the floor (or was he already on the floor?) and he felt hot and cold at the same time-- his breaths were coming faster now, just like his heat and his vision was darkening, spots appearing before his eyes. He tried to drag in his breaths more slowly but it _wasn’t working-_

Then Virgil appeared at the doorway like a merciful God, breathless, shadowed eyes wide in alarm. He was dragging Logan by the elbow who looked half a second from starting a lecture. 

“What’s going on Patton, what’s wrong-” Virgil rushed out, pausing to take in the scene. He zeroed in on Patton’s gaze, wide eyes staring vacantly at the spider on the wall.

Patton was sure he looked ridiculous, shuddering and crying and still saying “I’m sorry,” though he was desperately trying to stop. He forcibly shoved a hand over his mouth to shut up, but it just felt choking and he had to rip it away, gasping for air. 

“What exactly is-” Logan began, clearly startled. 

“Help Princey with the spider! Get it out, _now!_ ” Virgil barked, stepping across the room towards Patton. Logan hurried to Roman’s side. “Patton, look at me. Can you hear me?” 

Patton’s eyes darted back and forth, trying to force his gaze to Virgil but only being partially successful. 

“Everything is gonna be okay Patton. Just look at me, okay?” Virgil’s rasping voice was calm and assured as he crouched down in front of him, partially blocking his view of the entrance. He let Patton meet his gaze for a few seconds before speaking again. “Good job. Just keep focusing on me. We’re gonna take some deep breaths, okay? In through the nose, out of your mouth. Like this.” 

Virgil pulled in an exaggerated breath, then exhaled heavily, making the rise and fall of his chest clearly visible. He repeated this a few times. Patton’s eyes kept moving to watch Roman and rove around the room for other possible threats, so he kept losing the breath pattern, his inhales and exhales irregular and jagged. 

“Can I touch your hand? Nod if that’s okay,” Virgil said. Patton’s eyes snapped back to him and he nodded a little. Virgil clasped his hands and pulled it to rest on his chest. “Just keep following this,” Virgil said. 

“In through the nose, out like a straw. Just keep doing that. That’s good, you’re doing good. Keep going.” 

Patton couldn’t have counted his breaths if he tried but Virgil must have been because his were rhythmic and even; he focused on the sensation of pulling cool air in through his nose and pushing it out through pursed lips, lengthening his breaths over time. 

He wasn’t sure how long they stayed there for; he only knew that by the time he had gotten more in control of his heart rate Logan and Roman were nowhere to be seen as his legs were cramping from being curled up on the floor. 

Patton slumped heavily against the side of the bed, emotionally spent. His hand slowly dropped from around his face to his sides, letting some of the tension go. He squeezed his eyes shut, not wanting to meet Virgil’s eyes. He didn’t want to know what he would see there-- or what Virgil would see in his own. 

“Come on, let’s get you out of here,” Virgil said gently. Patton kept his eyes shut tight, curling a little in on himself. “Can I pick you up?” 

Patton nodded into his arms. He felt Virgil’s skinny arms move to wind around him, lifting him up in a front carry with surprising ease. In his surprise, his eyes flew open and he blinked up at Virgil from his arms. Virgil gave him a small, wordless smile. 

Patton curled up more into Virgil’s arms as they walked through the door frame, not wanting to look where _it_ was before. Patton didn’t really know what to think of what was happening. He felt like his mind should be racing but he was so tired right now. 

He looked up at Virgil and felt his expression crumple. His tear-stained cheeks were raw and his limbs uncooperative, but Virgil’s hold was warm and secure. Virgil took them to the common room, jumping there instead of walking. Patton knew it had to have taken a lot out of him because Virgil swayed a little when he touched down, though he didn’t betray anything in his expression. 

Virgil deposited him on the couch before starting to withdraw. Patton’s arm reached out before his mind processed the thought, grabbing hold of Virgil’s sleeve. He felt hot shame flush through him when Virgil paused in surprise, looking down at him. 

“I-” he began, letting go. 

“I’ll come back, don’t worry,” Virgil assured him. “I’m grabbing a couple blankets.” 

Patton averted his gaze and nodded. “Okay.” 

Virgil jumped there and back too, appearing in under a minute with several blankets and a couple pillows in hand. 

“Wasn’t sure which one you wanted, so,” he said by way of explanation. Patton let him set the blankets down, helping to wrap them up around him and make a place to sleep on the couch. Virgil sat down too, creating a second spot for himself. Patton sunk into the comfort the covers provided. He felt sleep trying to overtake him, but he wanted to say one last thing. 

“Virge, I’m so sorry,” Patton started, despair welling up a little in his chest. “I didn’t want--” 

“Pat, it’s okay,” Virgil soothed, running calming hands through his hair. “You have nothing to be sorry for. Let’s go to sleep, okay? I’m sure you’re tired. We can talk about this in the morning. You’re safe right now, there’s nothing you need to worry about. I’ve got you.” 

Patton slumped back, weariness settling into him. 

“You’re… probably right, kiddo,” he yawned. “You can be a lot smarter than Logan sometimes, you know?” 

“Watch out, or I’ll tell him you said that,” Virgil teased. “He might not share his Crofters anymore.” 

“He doesn’t anyway,” Patton grumbled into the blankets. “He just leaves, like, a centimeter at the bottom…” 

Virgil laughed softly, continuing to run his fingers through Patton’s hair until he felt him fully relax into sleep. Once Patton was completely unconscious, he finally allowed himself to drop the self-assured act and try and come to grips with the situation. 

He was happy he’d found out what was wrong with Patton. Maybe this could be a step forward in their relationship, and he could help him with anxiety-related issues. He had more than enough experience. Now Patton could feel more comfortable around everyone with his fears. This was a really good thing, even if it was painful now. 

But Virgil?

Virgil was _fucked_. 

Patton was a freaking _arachnophobe_ and he was a monstrous half-human _spider_. The situation couldn’t be more screwed up if he tried. He and Patton were literally inborn, natural enemies. If Patton ever found out who or what he truly was? All that would do is cause him pain. 

Virgil looked at Patton again, his still body curled up within blankets. He looked a lot happier, but stress still lined his face even in sleep. All his thoughts of coming clean in the future were gone now. The Light Sides can _never_ know what he is. He loved his best friend too much to do that to him. 

He was going to be a better friend to Patton. He would never leave him by himself with these problems again. 

But Virgil? He was realizing more and more that he was now truly alone.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> chapter warnings: description of panic attacks, description of a spider, self hatred, general emotional stupidity on like everyone except Logan's part somehow   
> ... 
> 
> Patton: Hm. I have a problem. And lack of emotional vulnerability around it is hurting Virgil and I's relationship. 
> 
> Everyone: Okay so open up-
> 
> Patton: I know! I'll solve the problem, and then I never have to be emotionally vulnerable! 
> 
> Everyone: What NO- 
> 
> Patton: Yes. Now this is a perfect solution. 
> 
> *queue panic attack* 
> 
> lmaooo but like. joking aside. I'm excited for where this is going next. Seems like Patton is finally going to get the help he deserves... but Virgil is in a bigger mess than he realized. 
> 
> Please leave kudos, or especially comment! It makes my day. Thanks for reading!


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